I cried myself to sleep one night last week. I’m not talking about shedding a few tears. I mean full blown sobbing.
I’m not proud of it, but I did.
I didn’t have a fight with Brett or anything. I cried myself to sleep because…my toddler hurt my feelings.
I know it sounds silly. But the people we love the most are the ones who hurt us the deepest right? I also know that he didn’t realize what he was doing and that he didn’t do it on purpose, but it doesn’t change the fact that my feelings were hurt and my heart hurt in the worst way.
Over the last three weeks or so, Baby Suddreth has been going through a pretty major sleep regression. He wakes up multiple times a night and if Daddy isn’t in the room, he freaks out.
One night last week, Brett had to work. He had to meet with his partners after the toddler went to bed. Something he’s done almost every single week for the last two years.
Last week, when the toddler woke up and Daddy wasn’t there he started to cry, got out of bed and came to find him. I heard him wake up and met him at his bedroom door. I scooped him up, gave him hugs, laid him back in bed and laid down next to him to help comfort him and calm him down.
And that’s when it happened. “I want my Daddy.”
“I know, Buddy. Daddy will be here. Lay down and close your eyes.” I thought that was going to work. He laid back down and started to close his eyes. And then he sat back up, looked at me, and said through great big, uncontrollable sobs: “NO, MOMMY! I. WANT. MY. DAAAAA-DDDEEEEE!” And then he pushed me.
He tried to push me out of his bed. And then, the final blow to my fragile feelings. “Mommy out of my room. I want my daddy.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I burst into tears while still trying to help console him. Nothing worked.
I laid him back down and left his room knowing full well he’d be at his door in seconds. I met him there and we started a 40 minute battle with no winner and lots of tears. The only saving grace is that Brett got home from his meeting and was able to come upstairs. As soon as he walked in the room, his tears stopped.
I left the room and that’s when my real sobs began.
Not knowing what else to do and being completely unwanted, I went to bed. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Until I eventually just fell asleep.
I know it’s silly. And I know he didn’t mean his words maliciously. I know his intent wasn’t to wound me. That he was only telling me what he wanted…like he’s supposed to. That he was being a big boy and using his words like we’ve asked him to (but you’re using my parenting skills wrong, buddy!).
But those words cut deep. “Mommy out of my room.” It hurts because it’s a familiar feeling. The feeling of rejection. You just never expect it from a person you created from scratch.
It was such a hard journey to create him. I prayed so long for him. So to be so officially rejected just hurts.
Don’t get me wrong, I do know that he loves me. But in that moment, it didn’t feel like it. And it hurt.
And the hardest part of it all, is that I know he isn’t going to remember it so I can’t parent the situation after the fact and he was too upset at the time to use it as a teachable moment.
How do you explain to a two year old that mommy has feelings, too? I know over the years I will experience more hurt feelings at the words and actions of my kids.
I just didn’t expect it to start so soon.