Last week I mentioned I was working my way through the five stages of grief in relation to the birth and maternity experience I was expecting to have with this baby.
That’s still true, and I’ve pretty much landed in the acceptance stage, though I have moments of anger still. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that the birth experience I had hoped for is t going to happen and the maternity leave I was preparing for no longer exists.
I won’t be able to have any visitors at the hospital. My kids won’t be able to meet their sister until we are home. We will only be kept 24 hours (as long as baby is healthy and passes her screenings). In room newborn photos won’t happen the way I expected. At home newborn photos won’t happen possibly at all (this one still has me passing back and forth between anger and acceptance).
My maternity leave was supposed to be 14 weeks of adjusting to being a mom of three while two of them were at school all day. Now I’ll have to figure out how to wife AND mom three kids while everyone is at home the entire time. And we won’t have anywhere we can go to escape.
I’ve accepted the fact that despite a statewide stay at home order, people are going to do what they want and I’ll end up stuck at home; inside; with three kids 4 and younger; for the entire summer. Without visitors and without my external support network to come and help manage the chaos. And that when I do eventually return to work, it will possibly be from home, and those three kids will still be home, too.
It makes me sad thinking that Mother’s Day and Baby Suddreth’s 4th birthday party are likely going to have to be canceled. That The Trilogy’s christening might not happen with people able to attend and celebrate. That Father’s Day is probably going to be an at home celebration with just the five of us. That the Fourth of July won’t be spent at the lake with our whole crew. But, I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t control any of this no matter how much I want to and how much I hate all of it.
I’ve also accepted learning how to find what good I can in the current situation. Even in the midst of seemingly unending mayhem from the tiny inhabitants of Suddreth Manor. Like today. It’s Easter Sunday. A day when under normal circumstances, we’d have a wonderful celebration with our extended family.
Instead we were home. But we still celebrated Easter. We had Easter bunny baskets, and egg hunt with nearly 100 eggs and we ordered the Easter dinner special from a local restaurant who is offering curbside pick up. It was odd not having the cousins out in the yard looking for eggs too, but the boys had a blast hunting eggs and opening them for the prizes inside.
The final weeks of this pregnancy aren’t what I expected or what I want to be experiencing. But, the reality of the situation is that I can’t control what’s happening and being mad and anxious about it isn’t helping anything. So, I’m taking it one day at a time and just accepting what I can.
But, if this baby wants to go ahead and make an appearance soon, I’m totally here for that because I am very very uncomfortable.